Need to let some shit out.
I need to ignore you so i can gain some control back. I hate all these feelings & don’t want it in my life right now. I’ve got my first therapy session in two days and i want to have a clear mind for it. I don’t believe a word you say and i’m sick of pretending that i’m okay with everything when inside i feel broken.
There is so much i need to sort out and work on! I just don’t want this.
When the doctor told me before that i was depressed i didn’t really believe them. Maybe, it’s because they were so blase about it. when i went to see the doctor the other day it made me realise that i am depressed and i have been for some time. I’m so used to the feeling that it’s normal to me and has been for years, i’ve been brushing it off as nothing, laughing and doing stupid things when really there’s a reason behind it all. He said that when you’re experiencing negative thoughts only people that give you compliments make you feel normal, also that your brain releases chemicals that make you more depressed. Most of the population think that depression is a state of mind/ attention seeking and i reallise it’s not that at all. Its your body reacting to how you’re feeling in that moment it’s perfectly natural and i’m no longer ashamed of it how i have been in the past. So next week i’m going to see someone about it i’m not sure whether it will be for me but even just going and seeing what it’s all about gaining myself an education is a step forward for me!
when i think about how i react in different things and what i do to isolate myself and hide away. I’m the most sensitive person on the planet, someone can say absolutely anything and mean nothing by it and it can make me feel distraught and will play on my mind for days & weeks! I don’t ever really show how i feel to people who i’m close too or i just make a stupid joke and never really ever sort out what i’m feeling. Last night i went out and one person said something to me and my whole night was ruined, people think i’m over the top but it’s depression it’s the everlasting feeling of just wanting other humans to understand you and why their actions make you feel like you do. Because really that’s all it is. Other humans, places and things making you feel that way. When life was simpler there is no way depression was about as much as it is now. You can constantly spy on people and all you see about them is their fake side. It’s not real life. No one goes out as much as they used too and that’s why the cost of going out is so high. It’s why the economy is bad. If less people go in the pub the more they’ve got to put their prices up, wages aren’t really getting any higher for people who are living on minimum wages. From that people end up stuck feeling isolated mostly because of money. Feeling that they have limited options because everything requires money. If you want an education you’re going to end up skint and by the time you’re earning decent money you’re too old to enjoy it that’s what the government want though! I could go on all day long but depression is brought to people from other people who are at the top of the money tree and it’s really sickening!
i wouldn’t say i was ignoring you. i’d say i’m choosing to be around positive people who make me happy.
so i’m sat at my desk wishing i had one of those freelance jobs. i just want to do different things. i’ve got a wanderlust itch. <3
does everyone just have that desire to be normal because everyone else is? and why do the people who want to be different decide to be different? and then why do the normal people put this down. social construct is fucking up this world. one way ticket to people hating each other. more and more in today’s society people are shitting on each other. in all terms.
You know when you know yourself you’re making a mistake and everyone around you tells you you’re making a mistake but you still go ahead and make the mistake? why do we do that?